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The Start: a moment of honesty

God, whew! I'm coming to understand that it's not my season or time for marriage and more kids, although it's my heart’s desire. It’s such a blessing that it is not happening right now. There are some revelations taking place that I do not think I should ignore. I understand that, now, my safety and security lies in you and not any man, and that's a blessing.

I've walked on eggshells for so long about going back to work, being put out, losing my family, but God I am coming to understand that as long as I keep my eyes on you and your will, what is or what is not is not my concern, it’s yours. I trust you to do whatever it is that you do in my life. I told you, I don’t want any control, even though my actions and flesh lead me to show differently. My season consist of walking with you. And it’s actually quite awesome every time I think about it.

I want marriage. I want my husband to be so in love with me. I want to feel loved by him, often. I want the commitment that he wants to actually marry me and be my husband, not something I have to force. Whether you have me here for now or forever, Lord I ask that you raise me up a husband that I can pray with, that I can worship you with, that I can save souls with. A man that honors and respects you. A man that I can submit to because of his reverence for you.

It’s not that marriage is not an option for me. It just may not be an option for me right now, and for pretty good reasons. I have a lot to work on. Like my discernment of things. There are things that would unsettle me but I wouldn’t listen. I'm learning now how to listen to me and the Holy Spirit. For instance, in the bible when I was unsettled about the last few chapters of Judges, I was too afraid to trust my instincts that something was wrong. I had to read it over and over and look up commentary just to affirm my feelings. Or even with Saul, he was God's chosen one, but I didn’t have a good feeling about him from the beginning. Yet, I ignored it.

I felt like listening to my instincts about something being wrong was going against you, especially in reference to the Bible. I'm still learning, for sure. I see some things and I feel like if I perceive them as-is, then I'm not being open to other’s ways of showing love and communication. I feel like I'd be controlling them. Putting them in a box of what I think love is or should look like. But on the contrary, this thinking makes me misinterpret clear red flags.

The best part though, is that I am not doing this thing alone anymore. I have you to lead the way and point out what's the real deal. To provide the necessary discernment. I'm so grateful for that. I swear I couldn't make it without you. You know where I'd be? I'd been dug myself in a ditch as I've done in times past! Hmmm... all I can say is THANK YOU LORD!

I'm not really sure what to even call this. This journal entry marks the start of a faith test. God is taking me through something and I am constantly communicating my thoughts and emotions with him. Fasten your seat belt and journey along with me in the beauty of my life, transparency,  and vulnerability. It's taking a lot for me to share such personal information with you, but God said go. I can't withhold anything because someone's  life may be depending on it. I pray that in my sharing that the Holy Spirit that dwells inside of me connects with the Holy Spirit that dwells inside of you.

If you have any comments, words of encouragement, prayers, testimonies, whatever you have, if its on your heart - leave it below.

I love you with the love of Jesus!


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