Against The Grain

God, where do I begin? I’m in my apartment. You’ve blessed me with everything I’ve asked for. I said God, I just want simple living arrangements. I just need a couch, a dining room table and 2 chairs, a bed for me and a bed for my daughter and you’ve blessed me with it without too much debt. You have pretty much paid for everything. Lord, seriously, since the end of January, you’ve secured me an apartment that has everything that we need, purchased us furniture so that I could create a home for us, and as of today, you’ve blessed me with a job. That’s right! Your girl got a job. It is only by your doing. I kept applying for jobs and NOTHING. I started getting warmer, getting interviews, but still nothing . And you said, how can I bless you with a job and your house isn’t in order. Remember, we are doing things in order as of now. So I stopped applying to jobs and started focusing on moving. Even without a job, you’ve been blessing me with money from different places. I got contac...

My daughter is in the kitchen begging for food. Her: Mommy. Mommy, cheese? Her: Mommy, Mommy, Peanut Butter? Me: Yes,  JaMya but you have to wait. Her: *TANTRUM* Me: I didn’t say no, I said wait. Then it hit me. I’ve been acting like this towards you. God, God, please do this, please do that. God, God…. You keep showing me that you are going to do it but my patience is wearing thin. I’m getting anxious about it. This was just one of your friendly reminders to wait on you. I know this but when I focus more on my circumstances than you, all my Godly wisdom goes out of the front door lol. I know I have to set my eyes on all things above. Father, you know your child. SMH. You know I need constant reminders sometimes. So the last few days have been really trying. One minute I’m up and encouraged and the next I’m questioning everything. I’m just going to go in reverse here. Maybe. Well, no, this may just be all over the place. You’ve been showing me 1234, and I know...

Lord, today was a tough day for me. I signed my apartment lease. It’s real! Father God, now is the time for me to actually live my words. I told you that I would walk out on faith and trust that you will provide. The test wasn’t for you, clearly, it was for me. Now it is time for me to really do exactly what I said. My my my, how it was easier said than done. Today, I was filled with so much emotion. The devil clouded my mind and I became seriously ungrateful. The excitement I had for this place, my apartment, was gone and I found everything wrong with it. I had to correct myself, and fast! I felt like I was finding everything wrong with the place. Doubt set in. What in the world am I doing?! I would really leave a place where all of my bills are being paid?! I have no financial worries – none. I’m really breaking up my family?! The apartment has too many stairs! It’s old! It’s smaller than I thought! Then I went back inside and prayed. Then it hit me  - this was a trick of t...

God so much is going on. So many thoughts are in my head. Lord I don’t want to question you. The pressure is on. By your grace, I’ve been approved for my apartment. God I know you aren’t a magician but you are a provider. I don’t need the best. I just need you to sustain me. I just need you. That’s where the true riches are. I am believing you to provide but time is running out, the clock is ticking, we are down to the wire. I know, I know, that’s where you show yourself the mightiest.  The devil is trying to confuse me. Trying to get me to stay in this bad situation. Making me feel like I’m the one that’s wrong. I have my faults but I am not wrong. Sidebar - Also God, I still need my free-time to pray and my word, and my Bible. Those things are non-negotiable. I’ve seen you do it for others and I know you can do it for me. So much confusion right now. Lord, I feel like I know what to do. I also feel like the devil is trying to see if I cave in. Why do I feel guilty fo...

Well, God, these last few days have been interesting. The word is FAITH. Do I really believe you to provide?! So the first job was a scam, the condo I wanted to rent was rented before I had a chance to see it, even though I had an appointment. Guess it wasn’t for me and I am okay with that. Instead of my heart being set on it and being disappointed, my heart is set on you and you never let me down. So then I heard back from another job. I’d just assumed this one is probably a scam too. But it was the only other one I heard back from. So I said okay, I will see where this one is going. Now, I just knew that you were going to bless me with an overwhelming amount of replies from people wanting to hire me.  But God, I understand how sometimes, all you need is one! Here I am. Still searching for a place to live. I found an apartment I always wanted to live in. I’m thinking, Jasmine apply for it because the Lord will provide. It’s not available until March 16 th though and ...

Dear God, I just prayed that you reveal to me if this move is right for me. I asked that you make an end to anything that is not in your will. So far, I’ve planned to move out. I planned to move out without an income or job. I’ve been fantasizing a lot about the new place, my new life. Starting over. Having a fresh start. I’ve been faith-ing it. Trusting that no matter what it looks like, that you are able and if you did it for others than you will most certainly do it for me. Everything will fall into place.  I even feel weird moving forward with this mindset because in my old life, I had to be in control, in my new life with you, I do not want control. I want you to be a part of every decision I make. Shoot, now I do not even want to make basic decisions without you. Lord, what will I eat today? What will I wear today? Nothing is too mundane for you. Watch this. I’ve found what seemed to be the perfect living arrangements. I began exploring income options and hav...

Lord, as you can see, I'm pressed on all sides. I'm just trying to avoid the drama and it keeps following me. He keeps wanting to fight with me. I know its an attempt to get me out of here. And I want to be gone. But it's not all about what I want. We have a daughter. I sacrifice everyday to keep  my family together in spite of what I feel. God, please, I want for you to do what you do best and continue to comfort me and prepare me in this battle. God, yes this is my weakness. Not that I am weak for him, that's over with, but as in this really is getting to me. Yes, this is my weak spot. Granted, I knew something was up with how he questioned me and I stayed quiet, nonchalant, and distracted to just be out of it. But that didn't work. It just turned into something, as usual. It's so crazy how he sees me. I question if it is true. But we are working on me, and I KNOW it isn't true. You know me best! You made me! Father, I ask that any fault that I have ...