Against The Grain

I spent years keeping my mom distant, never letting her get too close. I didn’t trust her. I couldn’t trust her. There was too much hurt and pain. I shut down on her years ago. I went through so much and I needed her. She wasn’t there the way I needed her. Fast forward to being pregnant with my daughter and I realized how much I wanted to have an awesome relationship with her. Compensating for what my mother and I didn’t have. Then it hit me. How can my daughter have what she doesn’t see? How can she know how to open up to me and trust me if she doesn’t see it with me and my mom? Everything we do, even the things we don’t notice, are being recorded by these little sponges. It was at that moment, I chose to change the dynamics of my relationship with my mom. Let me be clear. Did my mom change for me to change? No! Nope, she didn’t! But God changed me. God changed my views of her. God healed my hurting places, my wounds from her, and filled them with other sentiments like love, honor, an

The other day my friend and I were talking and she was going through her own trials that seem to have her down. She said she couldn’t sleep and couldn’t stop crying. It seemed like everything was getting her at once and she could only take it one day at a time. Let me give you some history on my friend, a little back story. We met in a time where I was uncertain about where I was with God. I knew God, and prayed to God, but I had cut Jesus out of my life. Remember in one of my previous journals I mentioned how I believed the hype that worshipping Jesus was idol worshipping and it was a sin. Because after all, idol worshipping was breaking one of the commandments. Yeah, someone whom never cracked open the Bible at least knew the basics right? WRONG! Well anyway, she and I had gone on a dinner date to Baltimore and on the drive home, we began talking about Jesus and I asked who Jesus was to her. She said God. I said how I felt Jesus wasn’t God. He may be real, he may have existed, bu

I enrolled my daughter in a second gymnastics class so that her dad could participate. The class is on Mondays. Well, the Sunday prior he did not come to see her until 8pm. I wasn’t feeling that at all. So the Monday after, he found out that I got my minivan and was upset. Why would I get a new car because I can’t afford it…I’m already questioning where my money is going now…I’m like excuse me wait hold on a second, my car is not your concern and your money goes to taking care of our daughter. I mentioned how the little money he gives me is not enough to truly cover our daughter and how I put out more for her and I have my own bills. He said that had nothing to do with him and I said neither does my car. I hate confrontation especially with him. But I’m done with being bullied. He came inside to pick up our daughter and wanted to continue his argument. Asked me who I thought I was talking to…in my home lol. Because I refused to continue the dramatics, he was especially upset. As a r

First of all God I absolutely love spending time with you. Like for me there’s no place I’d rather be. I’m okay with no one understanding me on that  for better words I don’t have any desire to hang out with friends. I know they say I need a break, and I do, but my break is solitude and Bible and prayer time. That’s my social time and if you have never felt that way, well, welp oh well, that’s how I feel and I really don’t want to hear anyone’s opinion about it. God I love you and all of your ways and I love spending my time with you. Like I need you. I need to choose you. Not like I need you because you could end my life at any moment but I need you as in my heart desires you. A lot of times I want to shut down from the world because I want my time with you. That’s why it will be important for my husband to understand that. Maybe on Friday night, he could sit beside me while I’m journaling and journal too or listen to a sermon or read the Bible. My God, My God. I’ll be married and

So God you know how I’ve been feeling towards my daughter’s dad and his fathering. This week I realized that it’s okay if he stays away because You got us. I started to really feel like she would be okay without him because she has You. This plays into my insecurities with my dad that I do not want to impose on her. Since he found out about my minivan and the argument that followed where I told him it wasn’t any of his concern, he hasn’t been talking to me. It’s funny because I’m finally standing up for myself and I’m not the same Jas he could control when we were together. He is not only not speaking to me, but he isn’t talking to our daughter either. He doesn’t call her. I only call him when she asks for him and he doesn’t answer.  Now me being a mom where I didn’t want to be like other moms who keep their kids from their father, I’ve been friendly to him because I thought we could be cool and co-parent effectively. I’ve given him non-restricted access to her. It’s crazy because

God, I’m so sorry for yesterday. I was not in a good place emotionally and got distracted with my own emotions and got discouraged. Honestly, the devil knows how to creep in or you know what to do to get our attention. I knew I was off yesterday. Everything bothered me and I just wanted to run away. I don’t want to go in to detail because I don’t even want to rehash the emotions. But God thank you for the gentle reminders today. I know why I got in this place…YOU. I’m here to be closer to you, to grow deeper with you, to strengthen my faith and belief in you, and to honor you in all that I do. I’m here to love you and be obedient to you. Yesterday, I got caught up in my perception of what the world wanted of me. I felt like I wasn’t living up to my worth, my potential. I don’t do as much fun stuff with my daughter, I’m not teacher her right. People are teaching their 2 year old to read and use the potty and I’m over here chilling, but trying to do what others are doing. Where’s the

God, I learned a few things today. They’re all jumbled up inside so I ask that you please help me get them out. Wow, where do I begin? I watched the video with Pastor D where a few things stuck out. One of the things was being in God’s order and marriage. I begin to feel like “where do I go from here?”. I’ve left my old life and got myself in order, but what’s next? I want to grow deeper with you but was unsure of what comes after this. Not that I’m trying to rush you but I felt more like I was becoming complacent and letting you down. Like I was missing something or wasn’t doing something for you. Also, I’ve been desiring marriage but I don’t want to focus on it in fear that I’d be idolizing it. But this video sermon talked about order and marital relationships. And I realize that next step in order for me is marriage. But God I have a lot to deal with in regards to marriage in which the video also revealed. His message was able to reveal to me that I have some wounds that need

Okay y’all, so you know the last journal entry was cut short because the Lord wanted to go another way with it. I’ll continue it below. Instantly, I understand completely what God was revealing to me. I hate to continually bring my aunt up but God keeps sending me messages after I talk with her. She and I were speaking about how she feels like God always says no to what she asks for. So when I read this verse – recap James 4:3, I thought about her and others that may have asked of God their desires but have not received yet. Oh, God, this is so much, please help me get this out. My pastor said God was a “yes” God . Of course, that’s true for the people that have surrendered to him and have chosen him. But what kind of God is he to the cold and lukewarm???? His word says you ask and don’t receive because you aren’t doing it from a place of order. You aren’t where you need to be with God to receive those things you’ve asked for. Submitting and surrendering to God, walking in hi

First, I want to point out that as I read the Bible, anything that is being repeated over and over again I feel like I should pay extra attention to. Right now, I’m in the early chapters of 1 st Kings. I’m reading about Solomon when the Lord appeared to him and told him to “ask what I shall give thee.” (v.3:5) My heart paused. Why did my heart pause? Because Solomon asked the most humblest request of God. He didn’t ask for riches, long life, or for the lives of his enemies, but he asked God to give him an understanding heart to be able to judge His chosen people. Solomon presented himself before God in truth, admitting that he hadn’t a clue of what he was doing. This pleased God. I was just amazed. I begin to reflect on my prayer life like I wonder if my prayers please God like that. It also made me think about my prayer posture. Am I approaching God with the same humility as Solomon? Am I asking for the right things? Shoo… I know my prayers include financial provision and the rec

Over the last couple of months, probably the last year, I’ve been saying – God’s timing is perfect. It’s amazing to see some of the things I’ve talked to God about come to pass. God has certainly prepared me to write this as it just truly hit me this morning but God had been showing me little by little, day by day. Last week, I watched a video of my pastor and his message was titled “The Delay in the Spirit World”. He talked about how when we ask God for things in the natural, God starts working behind the scenes and things start shifting in the spirit world. What I love about the anointing on this pastor is that it resonates with me by breaking down old adages that our grandparents used to say. He talked about how God is working supernaturally, because we can’t see beyond the natural, in our waiting we think God said no. God didn’t say no, he’s just working on his time and not yours. So while we are waiting, the devil sees all that God is doing for us, and he’s like wait-a-minut

God, I haven’t really had much time to write but a lot of interesting things have happened the last couple of weeks. Out of the blue, my cousin asked me if I wanted to open a daycare with her. I thought to myself, wow God, yeah, I thought about a home daycare ran at my home but I never really considered going that big. And I’m like wow, that’s something to think about. But opening a business, especially a daycare is a lot of work. Then, the next day, the mom of the family I resigned from, asked me if I wanted to open a daycare with her. We spent the entire day just brainstorming. It seemed like a very cool idea. But again, a daycare is a lot of work and requires a bunch of hours. I cannot commit to those hours because that would take away from the hours I would have invested in MyMy. I sat back and thought “God, I’m not like them”. I’m not interested in the rat race, working, overworking to live and maintain a certain life. I’m not moved by money as I used to be like before I had

God, I really do not want to sound ungrateful and be complaining. My first day of work was Monday and it was hard for me. It wasn’t my style of nannying first, and second, it takes a lot from my daughter. I needed a job where my care is inclusive of their child and mine. This job is not. Although you’ve given me some ideas to be able to keep her busy and distracted, these days of being off made me realize that the reason I wanted to be home with her was to still be able to pour into her; to raise her for myself. It makes her happy and it makes me happy. I figured that with all the fun we have, we can share it with other kids. Not only do I feel the job is too difficult with me having MyMy, but also I feel like I was neglecting her. And I can’t do that! It makes me mean and makes me sad when I can’t give her the necessary attention she needs. The icing on the cake, or to top it off in better words, they live on the fourth floor and we cannot leave the house. Now, truth be told, do

Lord, you know the issues between my best friend and him. At this point, they have nothing to do with me. I stay out of it, I stay neutral. I don’t let one bad talk the other. I try to keep them apart. Yesterday, he had so much to say about her. I won’t go into too much detail but he spoke badly of her and wished bad things on her. I tried to put a stop to it politely. Everything he said about her is actually about him. I find it so ironic that people who talk this way about other people are speaking about themselves. I believe it’s known as projecting. I told him everything you are wishing on her will come back to you and to be careful of speaking so hatefully. I was trying to get him to understand that it’s okay  to tell your truth and how you feel about  a situation but the things you are saying aren’t right and God is funny…where the things you are saying  will also be your plate of food! You gon ‘ have to eat them words… I tried to get out of the conversation but it continue