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One Argument

Lord, as you can see, I'm pressed on all sides. I'm just trying to avoid the drama and it keeps following me. He keeps wanting to fight with me. I know its an attempt to get me out of here. And I want to be gone. But it's not all about what I want. We have a daughter. I sacrifice everyday to keep  my family together in spite of what I feel.

God, please, I want for you to do what you do best and continue to comfort me and prepare me in this battle. God, yes this is my weakness. Not that I am weak for him, that's over with, but as in this really is getting to me. Yes, this is my weak spot. Granted, I knew something was up with how he questioned me and I stayed quiet, nonchalant, and distracted to just be out of it. But that didn't work. It just turned into something, as usual.

It's so crazy how he sees me. I question if it is true. But we are working on me, and I KNOW it isn't true. You know me best! You made me! Father, I ask that any fault that I have - Fix it. I deny myself, Lord. I ask that you make my heart clean, really make it clean. So clean that I don't want any harm done to him or anything bad to be done to him.

Lord, have favor upon me. In your due time and season God, may my enemy see how I make it out. You are the only way. You are the only way! I don't know what to do. What should I do? Should I go to my brothers? Start studying for the test to go to work? Go back to an office job? I just don't know.

God, I need your divine protection. I'm not sure what he's capable of. I don't know if he's capable of harming me as he continues to get stirred up or what. I don't know if he is capable of harming our daughter. I don't know what demons he has or are here, but Jesus have your way here. Protect me. I'm in a fire God, it's getting hot. I'm up against the wall. Please help me. Please walk with me. I trust you Lord but I also need to ask you for these things. I know you love me enough to grant them.

You are protecting me even when I do not see it. Lord, the battle is not mine, it's yours. I'm so excited for the other side of this even though I'm pretty low. I have no money, no home of my own, and the most heartbreaking is that I have a precious life that needs me and is relying on me. Have I failed her, and myself, by trying to be home. Creating a home. Being a home-maker.

I know what I did to get here, but I've been washed. God, I believe you gave me a new name. When you erased my past, my fornication went along with it Father. I'M FREE!!!!!! So Devil, you ain't gone use my past against me. I AM A NEW PERSON. I'M FREE!

Oh wow, I believe I wrote this in my journal right in the midst of this argument. Writing God is where I find my peace. This piece is definitely filled with pure and raw emotion. Shoot, sometimes, it don't even make sense. But God knows what you are talking about. Heck,  most times emotions make things confusing. I pray that you were able to follow along and find some understanding. I pray for anyone that is going through something similar. Keep pressing. Keep praying. Keep pushing. It will get better!

I love you with the love of Jesus Christ!


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