Skip to main content

Battlefield: the Transition Pt. 3

God so much is going on. So many thoughts are in my head. Lord I don’t want to question you. The pressure is on. By your grace, I’ve been approved for my apartment. God I know you aren’t a magician but you are a provider. I don’t need the best. I just need you to sustain me. I just need you. That’s where the true riches are. I am believing you to provide but time is running out, the clock is ticking, we are down to the wire. I know, I know, that’s where you show yourself the mightiest. 

The devil is trying to confuse me. Trying to get me to stay in this bad situation. Making me feel like I’m the one that’s wrong. I have my faults but I am not wrong. Sidebar - Also God, I still need my free-time to pray and my word, and my Bible. Those things are non-negotiable. I’ve seen you do it for others and I know you can do it for me.

So much confusion right now. Lord, I feel like I know what to do. I also feel like the devil is trying to see if I cave in. Why do I feel guilty for leaving when he is always putting me out?! I stayed. Even still, I stayed no matter how I felt, for my family’s sake! But now, I realize that this isn’t healthy.

It’s by your grace and protection that the snares set for me have not succeeded. I’ve been strong through the emotional abuse. Now I am ready to have your strength to leave. I’m not angry, just ready. I know the devil is trying to trick me. He has been so mean and nasty to me and I just take it because I know you will avenge me of my enemies. But I’m tired God. 

Since I’ve checked out emotionally, I see him being nice to reel me back in. I fell for it before but not this time. I’m wondering where you are. Are you going to show up?! I know you are but it’s time and I’m scattering for answers. I’m trying to stay strong in my faith in you. I know these things that I am facing are you turning the fire hotter, strengthening me. But, Lord my faith is wearing thin. 

I’m more invested in my move and the future than I am in you and I’m sorry for that. You are just so quiet right now. They say the teacher never talks during the test. I just pray that I am doing the right thing. God I know you are going to provide. I know you are working. I hear you. I’m trying to keep my hand out of the mix. Lord give me the strength, please! 

I’m a believer in having what you have for me. Lord I know you aren’t for the money, I don’t even want to make a lot. I’m not even chasing money. I just need enough to pay my bills. God I’m asking for at least $xx an hour. I would like to start with a newborn. I would like to care for them in my home. That’s why this apartment seems perfect, especially with the grass area and play area. I also want to do something with toothpaste this year. I would like to do more markets and get it in at least 3 stores.

I really need this to be a place of peace. I feel like I’m suffering here. Running out of breath. Lord please if it’s not in your will, remove it; but if it is, Lord send me my breakthrough soon. Please let my job be here soon. Please let me tax return be here soon. I wouldn’t mind not working immediately honestly but then I’m like how will my bills be paid? I cannot do ‘nothing’. 

I’m willing to make it all work just to be a stay at home mom. My daughter will have to be with me in whatever I do. God I need a new bed, new furniture. I just want a fresh start completely. I’m not trying to live for anyone. I want to keep the simple life. A simple clutter free place. If anyone can do it, you can Lord. You can!

Lord God, I’m asking for your favor on this interview. I am so blessed to have it. It takes a lot of pressure off of me. I know I should have peace of mind but I’m struggling. I’m struggling but I’m trying. Spirit of worry I rebuke you in the name of Jesus. Spirit of doubt, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus. Lord please be the barrier between them and me. Allow me to say the truth in what I can do. Lord I know you are working. I pray this is the end of my search but if it’s not your will and means me no good, block it. Amen!

Update: I didn't get the live-in nanny job or this one. I have never had such a hard time looking for a job. I would at least get a bunch of leads. So I know this is definitely you. You are making it very clear to me that when it all works out it will be by your hand and not my own. See how God can hold something back from you to bring you something better. We get so caught up on what we didn’t receive when we need to be praising God for what’s about to come!


Popular posts from this blog

I Absolutely Love You God

First of all God I absolutely love spending time with you. Like for me there’s no place I’d rather be. I’m okay with no one understanding me on that  for better words I don’t have any desire to hang out with friends. I know they say I need a break, and I do, but my break is solitude and Bible and prayer time. That’s my social time and if you have never felt that way, well, welp oh well, that’s how I feel and I really don’t want to hear anyone’s opinion about it. God I love you and all of your ways and I love spending my time with you. Like I need you. I need to choose you. Not like I need you because you could end my life at any moment but I need you as in my heart desires you. A lot of times I want to shut down from the world because I want my time with you. That’s why it will be important for my husband to understand that. Maybe on Friday night, he could sit beside me while I’m journaling and journal too or listen to a sermon or read the Bible. My God, My God. I’ll be married and

Co-parenting Prayer

I enrolled my daughter in a second gymnastics class so that her dad could participate. The class is on Mondays. Well, the Sunday prior he did not come to see her until 8pm. I wasn’t feeling that at all. So the Monday after, he found out that I got my minivan and was upset. Why would I get a new car because I can’t afford it…I’m already questioning where my money is going now…I’m like excuse me wait hold on a second, my car is not your concern and your money goes to taking care of our daughter. I mentioned how the little money he gives me is not enough to truly cover our daughter and how I put out more for her and I have my own bills. He said that had nothing to do with him and I said neither does my car. I hate confrontation especially with him. But I’m done with being bullied. He came inside to pick up our daughter and wanted to continue his argument. Asked me who I thought I was talking to…in my home lol. Because I refused to continue the dramatics, he was especially upset. As a r

The Next Step

God, I learned a few things today. They’re all jumbled up inside so I ask that you please help me get them out. Wow, where do I begin? I watched the video with Pastor D where a few things stuck out. One of the things was being in God’s order and marriage. I begin to feel like “where do I go from here?”. I’ve left my old life and got myself in order, but what’s next? I want to grow deeper with you but was unsure of what comes after this. Not that I’m trying to rush you but I felt more like I was becoming complacent and letting you down. Like I was missing something or wasn’t doing something for you. Also, I’ve been desiring marriage but I don’t want to focus on it in fear that I’d be idolizing it. But this video sermon talked about order and marital relationships. And I realize that next step in order for me is marriage. But God I have a lot to deal with in regards to marriage in which the video also revealed. His message was able to reveal to me that I have some wounds that need