I watched the video with Pastor D where a few things stuck out. One of the things was being in God’s order and marriage. I begin to feel like “where do I go from here?”. I’ve left my old life and got myself in order, but what’s next? I want to grow deeper with you but was unsure of what comes after this.
Not that I’m trying to rush you but I felt more like I was becoming complacent and letting you down. Like I was missing something or wasn’t doing something for you. Also, I’ve been desiring marriage but I don’t want to focus on it in fear that I’d be idolizing it. But this video sermon talked about order and marital relationships. And I realize that next step in order for me is marriage.
But God I have a lot to deal with in regards to marriage in which the video also revealed. His message was able to reveal to me that I have some wounds that need healing. It revealed to me that we do have some things to work on.
I had to deal with my spirit telling me that my ex cheated on me, and he cheated with his old assistant. However he did it, no details need to be thought of or spoke of, but the fact that even the thought of it affected me revealed to me that there’s some undealt pain inside of me. I’m not even sure why it bothers me now that I don’t ever want to be with again. I think it’s the thought of being betrayed.
Second thing Pastor mentioned was about how you should be able to go through your spouse’s phone, show up at your/their job, be out in the open about who your spouse is to other people, you should “sweat” your spouse because you’ve invested everything in them and you are protecting your future with them and also how you never should leave the house angry so the devil won’t have to opportunity to creep in.
This opened a few wounds and brought some things to light that I need to deal with. My ex would keep his phone from me, turn it the other way to unlock it, get very upset about me even asking to use it. He would always mention his privacy. Pastor talked about how there is no privacy in a marriage. Even when I would show up to his job, he had a problem with it as if he was ashamed of me. Or at least that how I perceived it. That would really hurt me and make me feel less than. He always made me feel like I was never good enough. Praise God that in Jesus name that as a lie.
Then, my friend sent me a meme on Instagram about narcissists, and one of the things that stood out to me, well all of it did and was accurate, but the part about everything being about their wants, needs, and life. This was sooooo true. I used to ask him why he never made future plans with me and he would say he was just living his life. “I’m just living my life”. That would hurt me but I didn’t really know what it meant until later. He was unwilling to accommodate me in his life and I had to just fit wherever he put me. And that was from the start of our relationship. Major red flag!
God, so many things about him I don’t want to ever deal with again. I want a godly man that cares about me more than himself. I want someone to want to include me in everything. I want someone that wants to include me in their life. They want me to visit them at work. They want to show me off. They want to enjoy one another throughout the day. They will miss my company when apart.
We will share our phones, our privacy, and our lives. We will encourage one another to grow with you. We will uplift each other to pray and believe you. We will seek you in the hard times and arguments. I don’t have to worry about him cheating. He will only have eyes for me. He won’t ice me out.
He’ll care about my feelings and be compassionate to care for them. He’ll be consistent, a man of integrity, and a man of his word. Neither of us will have extramarital relationships that the other contest of. God we will be happily ever after. Happily married.
My ex is a liar, a cheater, selfish, controlling, manipulating and I don’t ever want to deal with a man like him ever again. Lord, I want to curse him out. I want to break him down the way he tried to do me. I want to curse. But that doesn’t solve or do anything at this point and it does not honor you.
So God I ask that you remove it from my heart and mind. Lord, I also need deliverance from the spirit of lust. There’s an attraction to me and other women’s men and I don’t want it. *For clarification, the men that show interest in me have wives and girlfriends, I’m not into that* I don’t want a man that belongs to another woman. Lord, I pray in my singleness that I do not get caught up in that drama.
I want to accept my husband drama less and drama free. I want him to be the holy-living man you have for me. So the next thing, I have a question. My husband won’t just be my husband at the snap of a finger, so how do you “date” godly?
God, I pray that I never date a narcissistic man again. Please heal me from whatever in me attracted those kinds of traits.
Now that I know and believe that the next step for me is preparing for marriage, I have so many questions. Like before, what does Godly dating look like? What does Godly dating look like with a two year old? What if he listens to Godly trap music? I can’t control him. What about the things thatmake me uncomfortable? What about my efforts to be holy? I want him to lead a super holy life also. We may not have the same spiritual walk, so what about me and my judgements? Will you fix them for me so I don’t sabotage myself on some things? What about the Godly men in my family that he will have to asks to date me? I’m also afraid and nervous to really be myself, how do I come out of that insecurity?
Have you ever been here? Wondering what's next in your walk with God? Was marriage, or dod marriage become your next step? I look forward to you sharing.
Be blessed family