Skip to main content

Guilt Trip

This post contains two journals.

J1
Yesterday and the day before were emotionally draining and confusing. The day I went to buy my bed was the day he actually got it. He broke down crying. I broke down crying. It got real. He understands that I mean business this time and it is but only so much I can take. Shoot you’ve been putting me out for two years. And now in front of our daughter! That was the last straw for me. Now you have to eat your words.

But in the moment, I felt soooo guilty. I did everything in my power to make you happy. You were too anal and never satisfied. I learned that your happiness wasn’t my responsibility. We are all given the chance to be happy. I made mine in spite of our issues. I chose happiness and stayed. I felt guilty for breaking my family up. I felt guilty taking my daughter from her dad. Should I just have stayed and put up with it some more??? I was so grieved by my decision.

Although you told me ".. as soon as we get home from vacation, you need to work on getting out". And I did just that but I still felt guilty.

In the back of my mind, I knew my feelings weren’t right. I’ve worked with victims, I know how Stockholm syndrome works – identifying with your abuser. He has narcissistic personality disorder. All of the traits too. One day you love me, the other you don’t. You twist my words around to make me question reality, question what I actually said. Always insulting me, belittling me, bringing me down. Making me feel like I was never good enough or did anything right. Gaslighting.I mean Grade A Narcissist.

After moving in the apartment, I went home drained. I prayed. Then I covered my head with the covers and went to sleep. When I woke up in the middle of night and got on my phone, I got on Google and said God please give me something. God, you never fail. God gave me 3 beautiful articles about why victims often feel guilty for leaving their abuser, and that it’s normal. Instead of focusing on their emotions, we need to focus on our own. If we think about what we didn’t like about how they treated us, then we would no longer feel that guilt. I mean this read was spot on! I instantly went back to bed with peace and assurance.

Lord, you are always on time when it comes to matters of our hearts, I swear. Although I get down often, you know how to send me something to uplift me. Lord, you are so faithful even when I’m not. Praise be to God. Thank you for being right by my side.

I’m ready!

J2
Lord, I don’t know how I’m going to get everything but I’m trusting you will do it. “He” helping me financially is awesome. All things will work together for my good. Also these same enemies against you will be the ones God uses to help you reach your next destination. Talk about provision!
I asked him if he could contribute to getting our daughter a new bed and mattress. I was afraid to ask him for more money but I built up the courage to ask. He gave me enough money to get furniture and other household items.

When I made the commitment to move, I asked you if I could furnish my apartment for free. I said I only want a bed, a couch, my daughter’s bed, and a dining room set. I do not want to change the simple living lifestyle we’ve created. And look, my apartment is fully furnished. PRAISE THE LORD! Most of it was free as in not paid for by me or you provided the financial ability to get it.

Honestly, when I was contemplating my decision, I said to you – Lord, I’m ready to do something where I’m going to have to rely on you completely. I’m about to do something where you are going to provide. I’m going to do something that’s going to really exercise my faith.

And my God, look how far we’ve come. It wasn’t easy but it was worth it. So many things came to shake my faith and to discourage me but I pressed through with all that I had left – which was very little because my faith was definitely wavering. All I can do is holler on the inside when I think about what I just walked into.

God I am so ready to walk in all that you have for me. I feel the greatness in the air and all around me. I think I am back in route. Back to where you need me to be so that you can continually bless me and use me. 

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way or been able to say this. It was like living how I was living held me stagnant. I look back at it and see darkness as in I had nothing to look forward to. Now, I have so much to look forward to and I’m so excited!

Who else is ready to walk into what God has for them? Let us know in the comments.

Peace family!

Comments

  1. Love it sis!!!!! Enemy wants to use guilt to keep u were he wanted u to be-

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Have something to share? Please be kind and respectful, if not, your posts will be deleted!

Popular posts from this blog

Call Your Mom!

I spent years keeping my mom distant, never letting her get too close. I didn’t trust her. I couldn’t trust her. There was too much hurt and pain. I shut down on her years ago. I went through so much and I needed her. She wasn’t there the way I needed her. Fast forward to being pregnant with my daughter and I realized how much I wanted to have an awesome relationship with her. Compensating for what my mother and I didn’t have. Then it hit me. How can my daughter have what she doesn’t see? How can she know how to open up to me and trust me if she doesn’t see it with me and my mom? Everything we do, even the things we don’t notice, are being recorded by these little sponges. It was at that moment, I chose to change the dynamics of my relationship with my mom. Let me be clear. Did my mom change for me to change? No! Nope, she didn’t! But God changed me. God changed my views of her. God healed my hurting places, my wounds from her, and filled them with other sentiments like love, honor, an

He Is...

The other day my friend and I were talking and she was going through her own trials that seem to have her down. She said she couldn’t sleep and couldn’t stop crying. It seemed like everything was getting her at once and she could only take it one day at a time. Let me give you some history on my friend, a little back story. We met in a time where I was uncertain about where I was with God. I knew God, and prayed to God, but I had cut Jesus out of my life. Remember in one of my previous journals I mentioned how I believed the hype that worshipping Jesus was idol worshipping and it was a sin. Because after all, idol worshipping was breaking one of the commandments. Yeah, someone whom never cracked open the Bible at least knew the basics right? WRONG! Well anyway, she and I had gone on a dinner date to Baltimore and on the drive home, we began talking about Jesus and I asked who Jesus was to her. She said God. I said how I felt Jesus wasn’t God. He may be real, he may have existed, bu

Co-parenting Woes

So God you know how I’ve been feeling towards my daughter’s dad and his fathering. This week I realized that it’s okay if he stays away because You got us. I started to really feel like she would be okay without him because she has You. This plays into my insecurities with my dad that I do not want to impose on her. Since he found out about my minivan and the argument that followed where I told him it wasn’t any of his concern, he hasn’t been talking to me. It’s funny because I’m finally standing up for myself and I’m not the same Jas he could control when we were together. He is not only not speaking to me, but he isn’t talking to our daughter either. He doesn’t call her. I only call him when she asks for him and he doesn’t answer.  Now me being a mom where I didn’t want to be like other moms who keep their kids from their father, I’ve been friendly to him because I thought we could be cool and co-parent effectively. I’ve given him non-restricted access to her. It’s crazy because