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Guilt Trip

This post contains two journals.

J1
Yesterday and the day before were emotionally draining and confusing. The day I went to buy my bed was the day he actually got it. He broke down crying. I broke down crying. It got real. He understands that I mean business this time and it is but only so much I can take. Shoot you’ve been putting me out for two years. And now in front of our daughter! That was the last straw for me. Now you have to eat your words.

But in the moment, I felt soooo guilty. I did everything in my power to make you happy. You were too anal and never satisfied. I learned that your happiness wasn’t my responsibility. We are all given the chance to be happy. I made mine in spite of our issues. I chose happiness and stayed. I felt guilty for breaking my family up. I felt guilty taking my daughter from her dad. Should I just have stayed and put up with it some more??? I was so grieved by my decision.

Although you told me ".. as soon as we get home from vacation, you need to work on getting out". And I did just that but I still felt guilty.

In the back of my mind, I knew my feelings weren’t right. I’ve worked with victims, I know how Stockholm syndrome works – identifying with your abuser. He has narcissistic personality disorder. All of the traits too. One day you love me, the other you don’t. You twist my words around to make me question reality, question what I actually said. Always insulting me, belittling me, bringing me down. Making me feel like I was never good enough or did anything right. Gaslighting.I mean Grade A Narcissist.

After moving in the apartment, I went home drained. I prayed. Then I covered my head with the covers and went to sleep. When I woke up in the middle of night and got on my phone, I got on Google and said God please give me something. God, you never fail. God gave me 3 beautiful articles about why victims often feel guilty for leaving their abuser, and that it’s normal. Instead of focusing on their emotions, we need to focus on our own. If we think about what we didn’t like about how they treated us, then we would no longer feel that guilt. I mean this read was spot on! I instantly went back to bed with peace and assurance.

Lord, you are always on time when it comes to matters of our hearts, I swear. Although I get down often, you know how to send me something to uplift me. Lord, you are so faithful even when I’m not. Praise be to God. Thank you for being right by my side.

I’m ready!

J2
Lord, I don’t know how I’m going to get everything but I’m trusting you will do it. “He” helping me financially is awesome. All things will work together for my good. Also these same enemies against you will be the ones God uses to help you reach your next destination. Talk about provision!
I asked him if he could contribute to getting our daughter a new bed and mattress. I was afraid to ask him for more money but I built up the courage to ask. He gave me enough money to get furniture and other household items.

When I made the commitment to move, I asked you if I could furnish my apartment for free. I said I only want a bed, a couch, my daughter’s bed, and a dining room set. I do not want to change the simple living lifestyle we’ve created. And look, my apartment is fully furnished. PRAISE THE LORD! Most of it was free as in not paid for by me or you provided the financial ability to get it.

Honestly, when I was contemplating my decision, I said to you – Lord, I’m ready to do something where I’m going to have to rely on you completely. I’m about to do something where you are going to provide. I’m going to do something that’s going to really exercise my faith.

And my God, look how far we’ve come. It wasn’t easy but it was worth it. So many things came to shake my faith and to discourage me but I pressed through with all that I had left – which was very little because my faith was definitely wavering. All I can do is holler on the inside when I think about what I just walked into.

God I am so ready to walk in all that you have for me. I feel the greatness in the air and all around me. I think I am back in route. Back to where you need me to be so that you can continually bless me and use me. 

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way or been able to say this. It was like living how I was living held me stagnant. I look back at it and see darkness as in I had nothing to look forward to. Now, I have so much to look forward to and I’m so excited!

Who else is ready to walk into what God has for them? Let us know in the comments.

Peace family!

Comments

  1. Love it sis!!!!! Enemy wants to use guilt to keep u were he wanted u to be-

    ReplyDelete

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