Against The Grain

Okay y’all, so you know the last journal entry was cut short because the Lord wanted to go another way with it. I’ll continue it below. Instantly, I understand completely what God was revealing to me. I hate to continually bring my aunt up but God keeps sending me messages after I talk with her. She and I were speaking about how she feels like God always says no to what she asks for. So when I read this verse – recap James 4:3, I thought about her and others that may have asked of God their desires but have not received yet. Oh, God, this is so much, please help me get this out. My pastor said God was a “yes” God . Of course, that’s true for the people that have surrendered to him and have chosen him. But what kind of God is he to the cold and lukewarm???? His word says you ask and don’t receive because you aren’t doing it from a place of order. You aren’t where you need to be with God to receive those things you’ve asked for. Submitting and surrendering to God, walking in hi...

First, I want to point out that as I read the Bible, anything that is being repeated over and over again I feel like I should pay extra attention to. Right now, I’m in the early chapters of 1 st Kings. I’m reading about Solomon when the Lord appeared to him and told him to “ask what I shall give thee.” (v.3:5) My heart paused. Why did my heart pause? Because Solomon asked the most humblest request of God. He didn’t ask for riches, long life, or for the lives of his enemies, but he asked God to give him an understanding heart to be able to judge His chosen people. Solomon presented himself before God in truth, admitting that he hadn’t a clue of what he was doing. This pleased God. I was just amazed. I begin to reflect on my prayer life like I wonder if my prayers please God like that. It also made me think about my prayer posture. Am I approaching God with the same humility as Solomon? Am I asking for the right things? Shoo… I know my prayers include financial provision and the rec...

Over the last couple of months, probably the last year, I’ve been saying – God’s timing is perfect. It’s amazing to see some of the things I’ve talked to God about come to pass. God has certainly prepared me to write this as it just truly hit me this morning but God had been showing me little by little, day by day. Last week, I watched a video of my pastor and his message was titled “The Delay in the Spirit World”. He talked about how when we ask God for things in the natural, God starts working behind the scenes and things start shifting in the spirit world. What I love about the anointing on this pastor is that it resonates with me by breaking down old adages that our grandparents used to say. He talked about how God is working supernaturally, because we can’t see beyond the natural, in our waiting we think God said no. God didn’t say no, he’s just working on his time and not yours. So while we are waiting, the devil sees all that God is doing for us, and he’s like wait-a-minut...

God, I haven’t really had much time to write but a lot of interesting things have happened the last couple of weeks. Out of the blue, my cousin asked me if I wanted to open a daycare with her. I thought to myself, wow God, yeah, I thought about a home daycare ran at my home but I never really considered going that big. And I’m like wow, that’s something to think about. But opening a business, especially a daycare is a lot of work. Then, the next day, the mom of the family I resigned from, asked me if I wanted to open a daycare with her. We spent the entire day just brainstorming. It seemed like a very cool idea. But again, a daycare is a lot of work and requires a bunch of hours. I cannot commit to those hours because that would take away from the hours I would have invested in MyMy. I sat back and thought “God, I’m not like them”. I’m not interested in the rat race, working, overworking to live and maintain a certain life. I’m not moved by money as I used to be like before I had...

God, I really do not want to sound ungrateful and be complaining. My first day of work was Monday and it was hard for me. It wasn’t my style of nannying first, and second, it takes a lot from my daughter. I needed a job where my care is inclusive of their child and mine. This job is not. Although you’ve given me some ideas to be able to keep her busy and distracted, these days of being off made me realize that the reason I wanted to be home with her was to still be able to pour into her; to raise her for myself. It makes her happy and it makes me happy. I figured that with all the fun we have, we can share it with other kids. Not only do I feel the job is too difficult with me having MyMy, but also I feel like I was neglecting her. And I can’t do that! It makes me mean and makes me sad when I can’t give her the necessary attention she needs. The icing on the cake, or to top it off in better words, they live on the fourth floor and we cannot leave the house. Now, truth be told, do...

Lord, you know the issues between my best friend and him. At this point, they have nothing to do with me. I stay out of it, I stay neutral. I don’t let one bad talk the other. I try to keep them apart. Yesterday, he had so much to say about her. I won’t go into too much detail but he spoke badly of her and wished bad things on her. I tried to put a stop to it politely. Everything he said about her is actually about him. I find it so ironic that people who talk this way about other people are speaking about themselves. I believe it’s known as projecting. I told him everything you are wishing on her will come back to you and to be careful of speaking so hatefully. I was trying to get him to understand that it’s okay  to tell your truth and how you feel about  a situation but the things you are saying aren’t right and God is funny…where the things you are saying  will also be your plate of food! You gon ‘ have to eat them words… I tried to get out of the conversation b...

This post contains two journals. J1 Yesterday and the day before were emotionally draining and confusing. The day I went to buy my bed was the day he actually got it. He broke down crying. I broke down crying. It got real. He understands that I mean business this time and it is but only so much I can take. Shoot you’ve been putting me out for two years. And now in front of our daughter! That was the last straw for me. Now you have to eat your words. But in the moment, I felt soooo guilty. I did everything in my power to make you happy. You were too anal and never satisfied. I learned that your happiness wasn’t my responsibility. We are all given the chance to be happy. I made mine in spite of our issues. I chose happiness and stayed. I felt guilty for breaking my family up. I felt guilty taking my daughter from her dad. Should I just have stayed and put up with it some more??? I was so grieved by my decision. Although you told me ".. as soon as we get home from vacation, yo...